Mr Filch's Files
by Writer'sBlock21
Summary: A collection of funny oneshots, all having to do with various misdeeds at Hogwarts. Canon and non-canon. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer

**Disclaimer**

**HARRY POTTER & all related characters and elements are TM of ©Warner Bros. and J.K. Rowling.**

By the way, a little story for the fans of my first story:

My sister Amy recently threatened to make my life into a Cinderella story. This was, strangely, after I had just posted the epilogue to One Glass Slipper with the little tidbit at the end. I gaped at Amy for a second and then told her that Mathilde had said just that in the story. Then she said, "Well, I may just be Mathilde in disguise!" I stared and then started to crack up.

It figures.

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**Mr. Filch's Files**

File M

Name: Draco Malfoy

Date: February 14th

Crime: In the Astronomy Tower after hours.

Punishment: Detention cleaning chalkboards

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It was the day before Valentine's Day and Hermione was busy thinking as Snape droned on and on about the properties of powdered unicorn's horn. She had recently noticed Draco Malfoy watching her.

It had started with just a glance as she walked past. It soon progressed to him eyeing her openly every time they saw each other. If Hermione had looked up, she would have seen Malfoy watching her from the cauldron behind her.

As she ignored Snape, a devious plan started to hatch in her mind. Something to do with Valentine's Day, and the Astronomy Tower. She smiled as her brain whirled with ideas. Hmmm, A rigged bucket of water? Stinksap? Perhaps locking him in there for the whole day? Or how about both, _and_ telling Filch?

Quickly she pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. She scribbled a quick note and looked around for Malfoy.

Her eyebrows rose slightly when she saw that he was right behind her. _All the easier, _she thought. _Still, better not tell Ron and Harry._

As soon as Snape turned his back to write a list on the chalkboard, Hermione leaned over Malfoy's cauldron and hastily passed him her note.

Malfoy smirked at her and began to read.

_Malfoy__ Draco:_

_Meet me at the top of the Astronomy Tower at midnight tonight. Okay?_

_-Hermione_

A grin slowly spread on his pale face as he thought over the implications.

He quickly wrote _Okay_ on the parchment and handed it back to her with a wink and a knowing look.

Hermione blushed but managed to go through the lesson with almost perfect composure. After the lesson, she asked Harry if she could borrow his invisibility cloak.

"This isn't about Spew, is it?" asked Ron in horror as they both stared at her.

"It's S.P.E.W., Ron, and it isn't about that! I just wanted to be able to study longer at the library tonight," Hermione lied.

Harry grinned and told her that she could borrow it for the night.

_Now stinksap and Filch… _she thought.

The stinksap was easy enough to get, which she got after lessons. Unfortunately, she didn't know where Filch was. Hermione had to linger outside the staff room for about an hour before she saw him.

_Ummm…_ "Err, excuse me? Mr. Filch?" Filch turned, that wretched cat following him like his shadow.

"What? Peeves is on the loose and I don't have much time, girl! This could be the chance to finally expel him!" Filch's jowls were quivering with excitement at the prospect of expelling Peeves.

Hermione thought fast. "Well sir, I overheard Draco Malfoy say that he was going to the Astronomy Tower tonight after hours to meet m- someone. I immediately thought that I should tell you, sir." Filch nodded, clearly delighted about punishing Malfoy.

Hermione saw him run off, muttering. "Hmmm, yes, detention, how about cleaning the Trophy Room? It's always collecting dust, but the blackboards really need cleaning. It would take him a week to get all the blackboards cleaned. Yes, my sweet, now off to get Peeves!"

Hermione grinned and started off to get Harry's cloak.

In the meanwhile, Draco Malfoy pondered Hermione's note.

She clearly wanted him, or else she wouldn't want to meet him alone. At this thought he smirked. He could kiss her, maybe have a bit of fun in a broom closet… or something like that.

In any case, roses would soften her up. He could make a dozen charmed roses that wouldn't disappear for a week.

_At 11:45 p.m. on February 13th_

Hermione had rigged the Stinksap in a bucket so that Malfoy would be drenched when he went into the room. In addition, Hermione would charm the door shut and wouldn't unlock it until Filch came. She'd borrowed Harry's cloak so that neither Malfoy nor Filch would see her.

She settled back against a wall, smiling inside.

_At 11:59 p.m. on February 13th_

Draco ran up the stairs two at a time, a bouquet of charmed roses in a hand. His mind constructed a mental scenario where Hermione confessed her attraction for him and they started kissing and…

Draco opened the door and stepped in, expecting to see Hermione waiting for him.

He didn't expect a bucket of Stinksap falling on him.

He yelled as the green slime went everywhere. He whirled about, dripping with the mess, as the door clicked shut and audibly locked.

Draco pounded his fist against the locked door, yelling.

_At 12:01 a.m. on February 14_

Filch stalked up the stairs quickly, murmuring to Mrs. Norris. Hermione silently unlocked the door and flattened herself against the wall. Filch opened the door to behold a lime green Draco Malfoy, looking outraged and bewildered.

"I've have a tip-off that you'd be here tonight, Mr. Malfoy," Filch wheezed. Draco's face darkened through the slime. "What did the filthy Mudblood say?" the young man demanded.

Filch grabbed his ear in one hand, causing Draco to yelp. "You'll come with me, and be thankful if I don't string you up by your ankles." He dragged Draco down the stairs, narrowly missing the invisible Hermione.

Hermione giggled silently as she heard Draco's voice. "I'll tell my father about this injustice! You filthy Squib- youch!"

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**Thins is probably going to be a collection of oneshots about mishaps and apprehensions where Filch catches people doing… stuff.**

**I'm also thinking about writing a fic about Beauty and the Beast, Lily and James style! And of course, with Mathilde. Only thing is, you have to vote on whether or not you want the fic to happen on my page.**

**Ta ta!**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer

**Disclaimer**

**HARRY POTTER & all related characters and elements are TM of ©Warner Bros. and J.K. Rowling.**

I haven't been on lately due to SAT Prep, Chemistry, and a musical that I took part in. Forgive me, my devoted fans.

**jen3572005: **Hmmm… good suggestion, only this story is supposed to be about humorous things with Filch. Maybe next story?

**serenity12345:** It gets crueler and funnier. Which miscreants will Filch nab next?

**MatoakaWilde: **Why, thank you.

Now, setting One Glass Slipper aside, this story is about…

Drum roll! Dum duhduh DUM!

**LILY AND JAMES!**

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File P

Name: James Potter

Date: May 24th

Crime: Jinxing a fellow student to continually repeat the words "I kissed Alice in the boy's dormitory last night" without pants

Punishment: Detention writing lines

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_At 11:26 p.m. on May 22nd_

James paced the Common Room, glaring at the fire. It was eleven o'clock and everyone was asleep except for him and his three friends.

"How could she date Frank Longbottom instead of me!" he growled suddenly to the three boys sprawled in the various overstuffed armchairs. "As if he wasn't already snogging Alice every night where only the boys could see?"

"Looks like you've got competition, mate," remarked Sirius as he lounged lazily by the fire.

"Maybe she'll lose interest in him." Remus looked up from his book to give James a concerned look. "Maybe it'll all blow over in a week or so."

"But they're being serious and all! Walking through the corridors arm in arm whispering to each other…" James snarled as he envisioned the pair of them.

"If you're so bothered about them, do a prank and make them embarrassed to be near each other," Sirius grinned, excited whenever a new prank was coming up.

James froze. Then he gave a leap and punched his fist into the air. "Eureka! Woohoo! That's it, Padfoot! We'll use a prank to break them apart!" He did a war dance on the carpet, waking up Peter, who had been snoring in his armchair.

Sirius summoned a roll of parchment and a quill from the dormitory and started plotting with James. Remus raised an eyebrow as he heard comments like "Should he be naked, or both be naked?" and "Maybe hex him with that eyebrow thing" "No, that won't work, something that makes her hate him, something true or nearly true" but continued to read his book. Peter watched the two conspirators lay out their plans with wide and excited eyes.

_At 12:49 on May 24th_

James and Sirius went over last minute plans at the Gryffindor table. Everything had to go just right, or else their plans were ruined.

"Spell before clothes, right?" James whispered to Sirius.

"No, Prongs, clothes before spell. I vanish the pants, and _then _you cast the spell. That way the whole prank can be carried out, even if you get caught," Sirius whispered back. "Remember, it's the kissing Alice one, not the AIDS one."

"Right. Nearly forgot. Look, there he goes!" The two pranksters stood up and exited quickly, leaving their plates untouched.

Meanwhile, Lily and Frank had just come out of lunch and were walking to Transfiguration.

"Shall we go to the library after class and read together?" Frank asked a blushing Lily. "We can get to know each other better."

Lily laughed, her hand entwined with his. "Why not?"

Frank's dark hair framed his smiling eyes as he repeated, "Why not indeed?"

Suddenly, Frank's pants vanished into thin air. Frank stopped abruptly, turning a deep red. Students around them guffawed, chortled, and made snide remarks about his briefs (white with trains and a front flap). Lily stepped away, trying to control a fit of giggles.

Frank opened his mouth, perhaps to swear, perhaps trying to silence the laughter, but what came out of his mouth was, "I kissed Alice in the boy's dormitory last night."

His eyes widened. Lily stopped giggling and stared at him. "What did you say?" she asked slowly and softly.

Frank said again, "I kissed Alice in the boy's dormitory last night," looked astonished and furious at what he was saying.

Lily's eyes started filling with tears. "You said you weren't with any other girl! And I trusted you! I TRUSTED YOU, YOU STINKING GIT!" She ran down the corridor, crying.

Frank ran after her, oblivious to the crowd of laughing, jeering students. Frantic, he called out to her, "I KISSED ALICE IN THE BOY'S DORMITORY LAST NIGHT! I KISSED ALICE IN THE BOY'S DORMITORY LAST NIGHT!" Students were sliding down the walls, tears rolling down their faces, laughing helplessly at the pantless, shouting, Frank.

James whirled Remus around, laughing as he heard a muffled "I KISSED ALICE IN THE BOY'S DORMITORY LAST NIGHT!" from around the corner of the crowded hallway. "Prank fulfilled!"

Suddenly, he heard an all-to-familiar meow. Looking down, he saw Mrs. Norris looking up at him with her yellow eyes.

"Well, well, if it isn't Potter," Filch wheezed, glaring at James. James leaned away from the aroma of unwashed human and cat. "Detention, Potter, for two weeks!"

James couldn't help grinning at Sirius, Remus and Peter as he was led away.

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Tadaaa! The Marauders strike again!


End file.
